amazing quote

"A man's relationship with his porn collection is very profound. It's like his children..."
Gregory S., 37, Chicago, 7/29/06

Butternut, buttercup

I am heading to the beautiful, celebrity-thronged burg of Butternut, Wisconsin. It's a little like Vale or Capri. Christie Brinkley is usually there with one or another of her husbands, and sometime I see the Olsen twins hanging out in front of Dar & Slim's Par-a-Dice, a nightclub in the city center. Also, there are a lot of mosquitoes, if not mojitoes.


Here is Butternut's most famous citizen, the illustrious Charles "Midget" Fischer.

Hizzonor

I totally forgot to mention Mayor Richard M. Daley in the previous post. By Illinois law, one must mention "Richard M. Daley, Mayor" any time the city of Chicago appears in print.

I attract cow parades!

When I lived in the Chicago area, a glorious cow parade came to town (in 1999). G and I walked far and wide to see as many of the cows as we could.




There were even a number of cows just outside where we worked, the Vortex of Evil.

Flash forward several years: Now I am dwelling in Madision, Wisconsin, and AGAIN there is a cow parade going on in the city I dwell in!!! There is just no way this is a coincidence.

The real Joey Potter

It's just recently struck me that the evidence is all there: Katie Holmes and Katie Derksen are actually one and the same!!!!!!

OK, I know this sounds quite far-fetched. But first of all, Derksen is supposedly in Florida, but how do we know that's really true?? No one has seen her since last year, and this is leading me to believe that instead of being in Florida, she has been locked up in Tom Cruise's LA compound gestating and giving birth to that fake child.
And, look at this list of similarities:
1. Same first name
2. Same middle name!!!!! Noelle
3. Both are 20somethings
4. Both have long hair (KD's blonde, KH brunette, but there's probably some wigs and/or dyeing going on
5. Both work in industries involving cameras. KD shoots photos for a newspaper. KH is filmed by the paparrazzi and by camera crews on movie sets and WB shows.
6. Both dabble in geriatrics. KD shoots photos of old people in Florida. KH is dating Tom Cruise.
7. The Hinsdale connection. KH dated a guy (the "American Pie" actor) from Hinsdale, Illinois. KD knows someone (me) who has driven through Hinsdale multiple times, and who has been to several bars in Hinsdale, including the one mentioned by Donald T. Grigas in a previous post.
8. KH has been in a movie with Kevin Bacon. Or maybe that was Denise Richards. KD has probably eaten bacon for breakfast.
So, last year, KD was all conflicted, supposedly about whether to accept this Florida gig. But I'm thinking maybe, in actuality, it was about which she should choose: Dawson or Pacey?

Plus, there's that one time I swore I saw a copy of L. Ron Hubbard's book in the back of her bitchin' red Camaro. It was either that or an AP Style Manual. There's certainly similarities between rigid adherence to AP Style and Scientology.

Syd

Syd Barrett is gone and I know in my heart he was my soul mate, although we never met. Sigh .... Interestingly, my first cat was named Syd.

The Buddha has spoken

I feel as though my mission in blogging has been fulfilled as the highest of all honors has been attained: Don T. Grigas, aka The Buddha, has commented on it!!!!!

Juan T. Grigas and I met around the turn of the century when we both labored for the Chicago suburbs' crown jewel of journalism. We were known to quaff beverages of various types and eat greasy food, as journalists tend to do. We worked right next to The Mothership, so we had to occasionally step over to that oasis for fine dining.

Don, who once tried to have me fired for putting a "T." into his byline, is the king of "writing long," and could easily get a 60-inch story with a 30-inch sidebar on nearly any issue. Don, who along with Joe DeRosier and Jim Pluta practically reinvented journalism, keeps Bolingbrook and Romeoville on their toes. At one point, he had a peanut-butter-sandwich-chewing dinosaur on his desk.

The Dude - the very best

Here is The Dude, aka Rufus -- named for the main character in "The Big Lebowski." He had some of the characteristics of an aging stoner, and had he been a human, he might very well have gone to the grocery store in his bathrobe and drunk lots of "Caucasians."

A cat well-loved. "The Dude abides."

Too many legs

It's disgusting hot and humid and as always, loathsome creatures appear in my home .. centipedes. Found one in my living room of a fearsome size. It looked like a small hairbrush. My cat used to eat them for me.

Beantown II ("More weight")

Continuation of trip to Boston ....
OK, so G and I and Jesse, renowned blogger and 24-hour party person, have this delightful romantic carriage ride through the heart of Boston. Did I mention it was Novemberish weather, although April?

Everything after that is a bit anticlimactic, but Jesse (the same Jesse who last year fled Wisconsin from a slew of speeding/traffic violations) says I have to finish.

After the equine event, we go to Brookline (?? Brook something) to the apartment of Jesse's friend Alli, where several people have gathered to engage in the consumption of alcohol. I avail myself of their generosity with their libations, while G lusts for Jesse, and Jesse and Alli talk of their upcoming Zombie March. Then, they all go to a R Kelly sing along. G and I can't get tickets so we go back to our hotel, stopping at our neighborhood 7-11 which is teeming with hallucinating drunks and crazy people, much like my neighborhood in Madison.

Day Two: Heavy tourism!!!!
More Freedom Trail stuff, tourist bus ride, harbor boatride, Paul Revere's house,
the eating of chowder and scallops at eatery frequented by JFK, etc. etc. G and I, being kinda old, end up crashing at the hotel. We miss the Zombie March, although we are there in undead spirit.

Day Three:

First, we meet Jesse and his sister Briana for brunch in either Cambridge or Somerville. They are still trying to get the last of the dried blood off themselves and are sore from lurching. I have two bloody Marys in honor of my birthday, which of course I afterward regret. Then, G and I, for the birthday event, head to Salem to learn about witches and witch hunts (hmmm, sort of foreshadowed what happened to me a month later). We visit like 19 different museums (OK, three) at which they use various apparati, like mannekins with little spotlights on them and bad sound effects, to dramatize what happened (Giles somebody was pressed to death and he kept saying "more weight").

One of the women involved in the trial was named Dorcas Hoar. I am thinking of changing my name. Also, one of them had the first name of "Deliverance." I think that would open doors.

Next day, back to our humble heartland origins, and I still have received no explanation of what the Big Dig is all about.

Hard knocks

Are there other females out there who receive a couple dozen e-mails per week offering help with erectile dysfunction or penis enhancement? Got two today, one from "Frieda" and one from "Buford." Here's Frieda's:

http://www.graduandkl.com

Impress your girl with prolonged hardness, plentiful explosions and increased duration Largest and most recognized brands are working to make you 100% happy with this stuff. Fill up your supplies with our secure ordering, cost saving and fast delivery.

My question is: If I took 10 of these pills, would I grow a penis?

Beantown

Because there is nothing blog-worthy in my life right now other than occasional urges to pull a Sylvia Plath (I do have a gas oven .. heard it's tougher with electric), I decided to recount my visit to the exciting international city of Boston in April.

Day One: My friend G and I arrive at the beautiful and centrally located Shawmut Inn ... cheap as hell although we have to pay extra to get two beds because we physically disgust each other. We are excited to have a room on the top floor until we see that our view is of a brick wall. Right away I contact the human heart and soul of Boston, Jesse, one-time stuff of Jeff Grothman's nightmares. Soon I learn via text message that Jesse and his friend Alli have become overnight sensations due to their activities in the under-exposed zombie field and have received a full page of coverage in the Boston Phoenix.

Excited to have the acquaintance of such a luminary, G and I venture out, figure out the T (way easier than NYC), and start following the red paint, aka The Freedom Trail. Eventually, we encounter Jesse near Faneuil Hall and we duck into a nearby eatery, a hell-hole of drunkenness and debauchery. Our aging hooker waitress cards youthful Jesse, but when I ask why she doesn't card me, she says, "Lady, you got crotchless panties older than 21." We have seafood and numerous beverages and are continuously assaulted with flying napkins and food, balloons being tied into our hair, a paper hat for me that reads "I put out for coleslaw," etc.

After this splendid episode in fine-dining, the three of us take a beautiful starlit carriage ride, tucked up in blankets like Jane Austen characters ... It was the most romantic thing EVER!!!! Tom Cruise proposing to Katie Holmes atop the Eifel Tower? Nothing on this! Our horse was named ... hmmm, Jesse can you help? Driver was named .. ummmmm.

To be continued ....